Four Games Children Aren’t Allowed to Play, But Should Anyways

All right, so there never used to be any “mature” label from what I remember when I was a kid. As I was growing up I never walked into a Gamestop for someone to ask me for my ID upon purchasing a game. What has the world come to now days? I think it only teaches children the facts of life to play some of these games. So what, there’s a curse word every now and then or you can blow someone’s head off. We see worse things on basic television for Christ’s sake.
I turn on the TV to find Spongebob playing subtle gayness with his starfish buddy. Not to mention, I grew up watching cartoons blow the living hell out of each other. Wile E. Coyote was awesome! Children thrive off destruction and carnage. If we don’t feed their appetite for death and anarchy, then they’ll feed somewhere else. In today’s society, children grow up with enough anger problems (due to effed up parents) that they need a rage outlet. Video games are an escape and can be that much needed outlet. It’s the same way many preacher’s daughters go off to college and become a complete whore! It’s all because they were raised sheltered from any type of adult relations. So it is with children that aren’t able to fix their anger with video games. These are some games I do believe benefit children in many ways and will ultimately make them a better person (and a much more trained killing machine, should they join the military).

#4

Goldeneye 007 (N64)

Background

You are James Bond agent 007 working for the MI6. The game starts out with your partner being killed (or that’s what you are led to believe), only to find out later that your partner is actually the bad guy! That son of a bitch fakes his own death and then tries to kill you. The premise is enough to get your blood boiling to go out and kick some ass. Did you know that this game has a M rating now due to violence? Yeah, they went back and even rated old games that no one plays anymore. After thinking your partner is dead, you’re out to avenge him. Because ya know what? We would all do the same thing. If my buddy got shot up someone is going down. Or, atleast they would if I didn’t have this game to take my anger out with!

Why Children Should Play It

Do I even have to tell you why? It’s self explanatory by this point. Not only does it take out anger, but it throws in comedy as well! Every little kid wrestles with their buddies, so every male child knows how bad it hurts to be hit in the genitals. Get this, shoot a guy in the nuts on Goldeneye, he reacts as if you really shot him in the nuts! It’s hilarious! Play a game with your friends, see who can get the most nut shots in one go around, and laugh your collective little asses off. By this point, they aren’t angry about their mom yelling at them and the bully at school beating the s— out of them. No, these kids are now having fun shooting grown, blocky, 1990’s graphics men in the balls.

Why Parents Don’t Let Kids Play It

Many parents are against the concept of their child learning how to use a gun or to even pull a trigger. I say f*** that. Because first of all, kids should know what guns do and they should know how to use them. I would like to sit my child down and show him, “hey buddy, this is what happens when you shoot somebody! Yeah, don’t shoot anybody outside of this game, because this s*** actually happens” And ya know what? They will listen to that. Kids are not as dumb as we think they are, we just make them out to be dumb and thus they become dumb because we treat them like they are dumb! Do you get the circle of dumbness now? It is, in fact, because the parents are dumb.

#3

Doom 3 (PS3, 360)

Background

Alright, hear me out. Doom is set in a world where you play the part of a marine who was sent to Mars to investigate some weird activity (meaning demons took over Mars military base and no one knows what the f*** is going on). The scientists all turn into walking zombies and eventually turn into more grotesque mutations. It is litterally hell on Mars (get it?! It’s not on Earth, it’s on Mars. So hell on Mars! Anybody?! It was funny, you know it). As you go through the game, you encounter situations and creatures that will make a grown man s*** his pants if he were playing this alone in a dark room.

Why Children Should Play It

Well, remember what I said about the preacher’s daughter scenario? Think about this, let little Timmy play this for a few days if he wants to. You are going to end up with the most fearless, ballsiest kid in the local elementary school in a week or two. We become used to fear, just as we become used to many other things. With this game, kids can learn to control their fear so that they don’t buckle the first time they see a shadow moving on the floor (or in more practical terms, the first time the school bully lays a hand on him). Give your kids this game and they will fear nothing short of hell itself. However, shelter your child from fear and he grows up to be the guy that’s 27, living at his parents house, and still sleeping with a night light.

Why Parents Don’t Let Kids Play It

Umm, have you seen the s*** in this game?! It’s scary as a mother f***er! Parents just don’t want to go through the first few nights which is called the “breaking in” stage, where kids will be running to their parents bedroom in the middle of the night because they think a pinky (a demon in the game that has wheels for an ass… yeah, I don’t know) is under their bed. But stand strong through those few days and your kid will have balls of steel that he will use to crush the demon under his bed.

#2

Halo 1, 2, amp; 3 (Xbox, 360)

Background

So, you’re a cyborg soldier shooting up a conglomerate of alien races that are bent on Earth’s destruction because of some religious fanaticism. Sound familier? That’s because it is. We won’t get into that, though. The cyborg’s name is John 117, AKA the Master Chief. He is a part of an experiment to create super soliders, which to everyone’s knowledge, he is the last one left and is humanity’s only hope.

Why Children Should Play It

It’s an empowering feeling to watch as your enemies fall before your onslaught. Though you are strong, you are also not invincible. This game teaches kids plenty of strategy in how to kill or get around your enemies. It enhances the brain’s problem solving abilities while simultaneously enhances their reaction time. Not only this, but children will become immersed into the story line. You read your kids bedtime stories? F*** that. Let them play Halo before going to bed. Hell, play with them if story time is supposed to be your bonding experience. Nothing quite creates a bond between parents and child like destruction of alien races on a massive scale. Play it before they do, teach them what weapons to use, how to use them, and where. They will learn to respect you in a mentoring (and ass kicking) fashion.

Why Parents Don’t Let Kids Play It

Well, there is apparently gore and excessive violence. What does gore have to do with anything (not to mention, there really isn’t even much gore in halo… unless you beat up a corpse)? Think about it: Your kid bleeds from a cut, he cries because he saw blood and he thinks “oh my God! Blood! I’m going to pass out!” Blood is an every day thing. It’s in our bodies for Christ’s sake! What is so wrong about children seeing blood? Some parents treat it just as bad as seeing porn. I think if a kid were to see some blood every once in a while, he wouldn’t be so God d*** afraid of needles when he goes to the doctor.

#1

Grand Theft Auto (PS3, 360)

Background

The title of this game pretty much say’s a lot of it. You go around, steal cars, do some drug deals, beat up some hookers, kill innocent people. You know, every day life.

Why Kids Should Play It

When was the last time you saw an episode of cops? Recently perhaps? I don’t know your life, so possibly. Did your kids watch it with you? Oh, they did? What happened on it? They busted a whore a house and found a lot of drugs and there was a high speed car chase? Wow. Someone got shot too? Holy s***! Well, my friend, that’s real life. But wait, you won’t let your kid play a game that you basically just let him watch? Sounds like a double standard to me, my friend. But I’m not one to judge.

Why Parents Don’t Let Kids Play It

Do I need to tell you the reasons? You’re going out a damn shout out bum raping hookers, killing people, blowing up government building, killing cops, stealing cars, selling drugs, and littering with spent shell casings from your weapons! That’s right, littering! You know what, I take it all back for Grand Theft Auto. Kids do not need to play this game. In fact, this game gives good games a bad name. Actually this f***ing game is the reason why kids can’t play the above games. I hate you Grand Theft Auto and I hope you burn in hell with your creators.

Extra Mentioning

Left 4 Dead (360)

Background

Four people are attempting to survive the zombie apocolypse, you take on the role as one of those people. With weapons and pure determination to survive, you fight your way through the hordes to make it to safety, where a military helicopter comes to rescue you.

Why Kids Should Play It

We all know, somewhere deep in our hearts, that the zombie apocolypse is coming. It’s only a matter of time. Our lives, as we know them, will be changed dramatically and we must teach our younger generations how to survive in the world populated by caniballistic minions of hell. There are many different ways in how it could come about, but all we really need is one for it to happen. With games like Left 4 Dead, your kids won’t be bull s***ed about the future. They will be better prepared to face the challenges in a barren wasteland where litterally everything is trying to kill them. I for one am going to give my child every chance to succeed and if that means teaching them how to kill the undead, then so be it.

Why Parents Don’t Let Kids Play It

Most respectable parents think zombies are completely unrealistic and will never happen. They are wrong. Oh, how they are wrong. So, in their minds, playing a game about surviving a hypothetical situation in which zombies come into being is a waste of time. I beg to differ. Even if it doesn’t happen, it is still an outlet for anger, as I expressed earlier about previous games. So let your kids dismember some zombies with an axe or blow off their heads with a rifle. Only good can come of it, my friends.